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How To Fake Your Spring Break

By Maggie Graff

Your professor’s just told everyone your next assignment is due in two weeks, right when you come back from spring break. Chatter commences while people are exchanging what airlines they’re taking, and all you’re exchanging are desperate looks to everyone in the room in hopes that you aren’t the only one who has -3 plans.

The kid with questionable hygiene who lent you his pencil two weeks back?

Cancun.

The girl who reminds the professor of the homework he assigned that he forgot about?

Bahamas.

And that’s when you devise what’s arguably the best plan you’ve ever had; how you are going to fake your spring break.

Step One: The Blueprint

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(see UPB’s Blueprint here)

“I’m going to go to Miami first flight out Monday morning,” you tell your Media & Politics 470 friend the next day.

“What hotel? I’m going to Miami too!” she says.

This is about when you start to sweat, but you cheerfully tell her, “The National Hotel! On Collins Ave. They have this rooftop bar that overlooks the pool!”

You did the website walkthrough, you’re no amatuer. You planned every detail out.

Step Two: Your first social media post

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It’s the first weekday of Spring Break. You craftily place your two fingers in front of a google images beach photo from Miami, and add the National Hotel to your location in the instagram post. What’s the caption? You refer to your Blueprint. “Changes in latitude, changes in attitude.” Just the right amount of ambiguity for a first post.

Step Three: The Close Encounter of the Spring Break Kind

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Your friend from class texts you asking to meet her at The Regent Cocktail Club 15 minutes away from your hotel. You hastily google it, and note they’re doing a $3 strawberry margarita special.

You reply, “Our concierge told us they were doing a $3 strawberry margarita deal!! Is that true? I’ll try to get my friends to leave the hotel pool!”

30 minutes later you tell her your friends wanted to go elsewhere, and that you should hang later in the week.

Step Four: Investing in an ultimately lackluster but suitable spray tan

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It’s the weekend before classes, and you have to find means to sport all the Miami sun you got. Beach Bum Tanning & Airbrush Salon never seemed so ingenious until now.

As soon as you walk in, the lady winks and says, “So where did you go for Spring Break?”

You laugh, and divulge every trick and stealthy post you did. She tells you her daughter went to the Bahamas for the week, and that she’s going to keel over at your story.

Step Five: Reality Check

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You’re back in class, and your professor asks everyone to go around and say what they did for spring break. The one girl reminds him of our assignment, and he graciously thanks her. She starts us off by talking about her spring break in the Bahamas, but then pauses, and begins to unravel the story of how her mom works at a spray tanning place in town, and that apparently, she met a girl who faked her ENTIRE spring break.

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