By: Taylor Sarlo
Members of our generation are called “internet natives,” because most of us can’t remember a time in our lives where we didn’t use the internet. We also had to privilege of growing up in the Golden Age of Shrek. By combining the popularity of Shrek, and the prominence of the internet, we can find some crazy things. I’ve compiled a list and ranked some of the strangest Shrek themed items the internet has to offer, so you don’t have to! You’re welcome!
We begin this list with Shrek Twinkies. Twinkies themselves are already a questionable food group, but now that the filling is “ogre green,” they become even more sketchy. The picture looks like the cream is a dollop of guacamole. Why is Shrek looking at me like that? Is $3.99 a lot of money for ten Twinkies? Why are they offering me a vacation? The longer I look, the more questions I have.
Weirdness Score: 7/10
Usefulness Score: 2/10 because Twinkies are BAD.
This mug has a lot of Shrek’s on it. The reason I’m counting it as “weird” is because it has too many Shreks on it. And they overlap, so you can’t even see the whole Shrek. Additionally, Shrek is a movie targeted towards kids, but kids don’t need mugs, right? Mugs are for coffee or tea, and whippersnappers are not the primary consumers of these caffeinated liquids. Or am I out of touch with the youth of today?
Weirdness Score: 4/10
Usefulness Score: 10/10
Shrek Fondue Fountain
Ah, fondue. The epitome of the elegant dining experience. And while one might describe it as fancy and decadent, would anyone use these words to describe Shrek? I would not. Is someone having a Shrek themed wedding? The room you can see in the background looks nice enough, someone here obviously has good taste, why throw in Shrek? What is coming out of the fondue fountain? Is it that Twinkie Guacamole again?
Weirdness Score: 8/10
Usefulness Score: 6/10
Shrek Nike Air Force Ones.
Complete with what I believe is a metallic Nike swoosh and little Shrek head ornaments. The only thing that could make these better is if they lit up every time you took a step. I really appreciate how Shrek himself holds out his hands, offering you, his loyal fans, his fancy shoes. I think I might be warming up to the Shrek merch a little bit.
Weirdness Score: 7/10
Usefulness Score: 9/10
Shrek Play Dough Root Canal Game
Okay, I take back what I said. This Shrek merch is insane. SHREK PLAY DOUGH ROOT CANAL? 1. Who thought a root canal makes a fun game? 2. That open, gaping mouth is the stuff of nightmares. 3. Someone has informed me that this game comes with BUGS AND GRUBS that hide in his doughy teeth. 4. Shrek can’t chew anything with those smushy teeth? Why are they that color? Is his tongue made of playdough too? I want to apologize to anyone who gets nightmares tonight after seeing this.
Weirdness Score: 11/10
Usefulness Score: -2/10
And the grand finale, The Shrek 2 backpack. Shrek looks a little different, maybe he was feeling under the weather during the photoshoot? Oh wait, that’s not Shrek, that’s the Incredible Hulk! And as incredible as Shrek is, he is not an active member of the Avengers. I want to know if this was intentional design choice or a big mistake no one in corporate noticed?
Weirdness Score: 9/10
Usefulness Score: 7/10
Did this list reignite your childhood love and devotion to Shrek? Do you like FREE FOOD and FREE GIVEAWAYS and FREE MOONBOUNCE ADMITTANCE? Then come to Late Night Shrekfest at Late Night Breakfast on Thursday January 18th at 10pm in The Festival Drum!